« Bobbin trantrum (aka update on trying to conceive) »
Friday, December 4, 2009 at 6:33AM I'm going to try to organize my thoughts about this cycle of trying to make (an awesome vegan) baby.
We've been trying to conceive since June 21st, 2009 (our one year wedding anniversary) or 166 days, or almost 5 and a half months. Looking back on these past cycles, I feel I have learnt a lot more about myself and the art of waiting. I do realize that we have only been actively trying such a short time in comparison to many, but as someone so wisely pointed out to me, "Don't measure yourself against others' struggles, we each have our own journey to walk" I'm stubborn, but this I will listen to.
This was my first trying to conceive cycle of charting with a basal body temperature thermometer, which has offered much insight into how my body works. I knew deep down the day I ovulated on during past cycles, but having a thermal shift has added to my confidence in my body. I can enter seemingly useless numbers that magically turn into a graph of my fertility. I love it. Like I have mentioned before, I have felt 'broken' in the past with a scare of endometriosis, and had a fleck of doubt about me ovulating, which I am very glad to have moved through. I find this fear likes to creep back in. My body works perfectly and I will refuse to think otherwise.
Some days at work are emotionally challenging, Tuesday was one of those. I spent my day just trying to hold it together, and surely the children picked up on this. I'm not a very good 'fake it until you make it' kind of girl. I knew at some point that day, I would need to cry. I wasn't really upset about anything in particular, but very unstable. People were pouring in support via twitter and I am always blown away by how much these people care.
That evening while trying to do some pre-baby crafting the bobbin thread ran out. No big deal, add more, move on. Then I forgot (yes, forgot!) how to re-thread my machine. After figuring it out, the bobbin then spat out way too much thread with each stitch and blocked up the machine. Toss my work on the table, pouted and ran out of the room. I then cried and cried and cried and laughed about how silly I was being over a poorly threaded machine. I knew this wasn't why I was crying, but it felt good to blame something. I laughed and sobbed and got most of it out. I felt 100 times better.
The full moon was out, and I was feeling a gigantic pull from it. I started bleeding the following morning. Then, it stopped. Sometime between the start stop bleed (still in limbo now) I used a urine test with unsure results image here, adding even more mixed emotions. When I see blood, I can instantly calm myself, and move forward. I can get excited over a new cycle. Being in this wait is what I find hard, I know my period is coming, but I have to wait. But what about that faint line on the test? It isn't just me who sees it. I took another this morning at 14 days after ovulation, negative.
I'm just waiting for my temperatures to dip on my chart, waiting for that cramp and feeling of warmth that lets me know for real, I am bleeding this time. I've made my peace with this cycle, I'm ready to move forward. By Sunday, we should be plotting our adventures for a September baby.
I cried. And maybe crying is just the right thing to do at 166 days.
Crafts, Fertility, Trying to conceive 
Reader Comments (7)
It will happen :)
For what it's worth (and my intention here is absolutely not to step on any toes, so take this as you will and disregard if it offends) I have seen a lot of information indicating that a vegan diet isn't the best way to prepare one's body for conception.
There's some interesting suggestions on this page, re: the importance of sleeping in total darkness, and some diet suggestions - might be worth checking out. She says "I've seen many women's temperatures increase significantly when they cut soy out of their diets. Others become ovulatory after they cut back on sugar and increase their consumption of cod liver oil, butter and eggs."http://www.gardenoffertility.com/naturalremedies.shtml(The body needs lots of fats to prepare for pregnancy.)
Also you can check out the Fertility Diet in Nina Planck's book here: http://moourl.com/6gho8 - Chapter 2 contains her suggestions for using traditional foods to increase fertility. I also highly recommend Nina's other book, Real Food.
Good luck. I'll be rooting for you!
I know that it will be your time soon. I'm pulling for you, and I totally understand the need to cry.