Seemingly the goal to strive for, not doing harm. I think we can all do so much better. So much.

Allopathic medicine is like the EMT for health, most often a bandaid covering up the root cause of your dis-ease, creating contact dermatitis and much deeper issues as well. The blind leading the misguided through shit piles of bureaucracy, and self-interest. Rare are the few "health care professionals" who see you as a person, not a wart to remove, or a cancer to fry. And if they do see you as a person, their hands are often tied to acknowledge you, but not much else. 

It strikes me as odd, that this continues, often so blindly. I'm not saying I do not apprecaite allopathic medicine (and providers) when needed, but it makes me wonder what switched in history to make us go from roots and herbs, to insurance coverage and prescriptions? And when did preventative health seemingly vanish?

I'm no saint - I sit here with detal decay that is increasing by the thousands to repair, by the month. We all have our own stuff, and we can blend allopathic with hoslistic medicines (and what I mean by allopathic/homeopathic is "conventional" vs "traditional" or "western" vs "eastern" medicines) when needed. Yet, people seem to be suffering through life more than flourishing - or so I've noticed and it makes me wonder, how much of that is down to neglect of ones self?

We are all told it's wrong to be selfish; we must always put the needs, wants and desires of others above our own. To gain godliness in the tangible world and sainthood in the afterlife. But wait....how is it always wrong to do so? In doing so, in placing my concern of my own wellness and health in a priority sequence I am better able to handle the needs and wants and desires of others.

But, selfishness is wrong. And conventional medicine is fine.

I think we can do more, and be so much more. You can take the wheel on your well being every day, seeking knowledge, guideance and holistic practitioners and nourishing your being as needed - while you are healthy! Instead of placing everything above you, ignoring your basic needs, desires and wants and becoming ill enough to need conventional medicines to diagnose, treat and hopefully cure your illness, without causing great bodily harm to your other body parts, or psyche. And if you are ill and choose conventional medicine, you can take high road on complimentary therapies to enhance your healing and prevent damage from allopathic medicines.

But as medical health providers: first, nourish wellness!

As I make my mental baby steps into being a person supporting the wellness and growth of childbearing women, their babies and their families - this is in my forefront. Nourish their wellness. 

But not take control of their wellness, I see myself as the guide; with them literally exploring the herbs that surround them, and their bodies and beings. Because, this allopathic model of the provider being the dictators over "health" clearly has a few flaws.

First, Nourish Wellness!

It's cliche, but darling, you are my best friend. 7 years ago today, we were falling in love with each other - it was nearly an instant connection of the souls. We were lovers, staying up all night in bliss and exploring our minds and our bodies together. We were fumbling through those early hours of new love. We were partners in nature. It consumed me, our newness had me wrapped up and entwined with you. We were best friends. Certain smells, songs, kisses, wine and seasons remind me of this newness - being transported back to Vancouver in the Springtime - your girl with April in her eyes. I was jealous, young, reckless and passionately in love with you. And I still am passionately in love with you. 

Here we are, 7 years later. It's cliche, but darling you still are my best friend. We've travelled, we've explored our hearts, we've shared our souls, you've discovered things inside me I didn't know existed and nourished them, and still do. I continue to fall deeper in love with you. I'm still tangled up in this beauty of newness, as if we've just met. I find such comfort in your smile and arms. You challenge me, and I you. I cannot imagine my life, or myself with you. I feel such harmony.

Robert, I love you. I really fucking love you. Here's to those that wish us well, and all the rest can go to hell. I will continue to pinch your bum when making supper with you. And relish in our silly youthfulness and passion for life and each other. You'll always be Papa Bear, the slightly clumsy, honest, gentle, compassionate, life loving man. You're big and burly, and the kindest person I've ever met. Yet, you don't let people push you around and have no trouble saying no. You know me better than I do. You are such a fun, happy, honest person. And I am blessed to have met you.

I remember, laying in your bed on my back, in your tiny bachelor apartment, looking out the window up at the cherry blossoms falling off the tress, with the windows open, and thinking of you off at work. I was wearing your shirt and breathing in your smell. We may be on the other side of the country, and 7 years older, and have grown so much, but I still do this - breath in your smell of your shirts. In love.

I've always heard "7 year itch", but I have a really amazing feeling about our 7th year of love and togetherness. I'm sure the ocean wind has words for us to hear, and the song birds, and the fog, and the new moon star lit nights. Let's keep listening, it's just a question of when.

Happy 7 YEARS of togetherness, love. I feel like it's been 7 months, and all of eternity. I love you.

You'll need a juicer, and some fruits and vegetables.

• 5 lemons, peel 3 and leave 2 with the rinds on.
• 2 medium apples
• A bunch of greens! Kale, collards, lettuce, spinach for example, stalks and all.
• Optional, cuccumber or ginger root. Or anything else you like.

Juice. Tada!

Photo Credit: lunchboxbunch.com

Now, everyone find your rescue remedy, and carry on.

A little background, I was raised with very little money. By a single mother on income assistance, struggling to ensure I was fed. For the most part, she did it gracefully as I remember. But what sticks out is a huge avoidance of talking about that dirty word - money. We never discussed how she'd have enough for dinner, or how the rent would  be paid, or how much the heat bill was. It was an off-limits topic, I was never told not to ask, I just knew it was filled with shame and struggle.

Fast forward to being an adult, I've spent most of my adult years following along the same lines - ashamed to discuss money, the lack of it, or if we are not in the negative in my bank account, I felt guilty enjoying a more expensive bottle of wine or similar. The shame and the guilty - the dirty money. It has/had power over me - emotionally.

I avoided telling people how much I am worth, or how much I think I am deserved to be paid (as a Doula, employee, crafter, whatever) for I feared someone would say no to that amount and thus it meant something against my worth. A personal attack on my self-worth. So, instead, I would cut myself down to a cheaper price (or free) to be able to never be told no, but looking back, I destroyed my own self-worth just fine on my own. Aren't I brilliant.

And then, I caught a seed. It grew. It's growing! I'm cultivating a new experience with money. And I'm so pleased that seed has chosen to grow at this stage in my life.

Money is great. Really! I enjoy it. When I have money, I feel good. I'm able to eat my organic foods, and support my health with great quality whole food multi-vitamins and organic herbal infusions, I can pay my rent on time (which feels good for everyone!), I am able to buy or repair my bike so I have mobility which makes me happy, I am able to go to 2nd hand stores and buy clothing I need, I am able to live comfortably with money. (Albeit, still simply, because that feels good to me too)

(disclaimer: Yes, I'd rather a world in barter, but straddling both worlds [dirty-money shame and attempting barter] isn't working, it's okay to barter and be positive about money too).

I read a blog post by the fabulous Gloria Lemay (now, can I find the post, of course not!), and heard her speak about money a little bit - and to have my shame/guilt cycle broke up some more by her words was exactly what I needed to hear. I also listened to a free call by Stephanie Dawn (3 secrets to a new paradigm of birth) and she sounded off my feelings of letting money work for me. Both were exactly what I needed - and some good dreams to work through it all.

When I undercharge, I'm doing a disservices to myself and to those around me. As an underpaid individual, I'm unable to eat healthily, and do the things that make me feel good (like the Chiropractor appointment I've wanted to have for....my entire life, the 3 massages I've had ever, all gifts from people who see I cannot/don't support my "feel good" self) and this pours down to those I support. I also walk around with a band-aid on my emotional feelings around money - which can be more dangerous than the lack of good quality foods (or the like). Resentment, feeling bitter, feeling "used", stressed out due to bills pilling up around my ears. That is not the type of energy I want around me and the ones I love and care for, daily and most certainly not at a birth!

The interesting thing about it all (to me) is that I allow(ed) these things to happen, in fact, I often begged for it. Giving myself away highly discounted and for free. Just because births make me feel good, and happy and I love what I do, does not mean I do not deserve and need to be paid for my time and energy.

By opening up my heart and feeling positive about asking for money - I'm attracting people who value me, and my services, (not saying those who get discounts or were given my services for free don't value me...) when they support me, I am able to support them. I'm attracting more people who respect that this is my life, and my passion and my paying job - not some martyr looking to be sainted.

In return, my bills are paid, I am calm, well fed, well nutured, and am able to give more to everyone - including those who cannot afford to pay a dime. Because I am taken care of, I have extra to give back, I'm coming from a good place and able to do so on my own terms. I love to volunteer my time, energy and/or services as long as it's working for me and not ruining me.

Wow. I'm already feeling my life opening up to the possibilities! As I am sitting here in a current state of not-so-good-money-issues I'm projecting my intentions straight out from my heart and have a plan in my life to create feel good interactions in my future. I'm so glad this is all coming to a head now, and I'm shifting my views about money. It is one step at a time (I still don't enjoy discussing how we are going to pay bills, but I'm working on that too). I recently wrote a post about the cost of free doula support and as a result of sharing with fellow birth workers who are Midwifery students with me - I'm even feeling supported on this path of money feel good-ness!

I don't intend this new shift to be easy, but with practice and self-love, I'm going to watch it flourish. Actually, I am going to watch my life flourish because of it!

Have you taken steps to be more positive about money? Do my words resonate with birth professionals reading?

• What is one small step you can take TODAY to change how to feel about money?

• What is one small step you can do this week to talk to someone who owes you money or some other exchange?

I'm sure that is exactly how it went, and I'm eager to read the memoirs by Jennifer Worth. However, as someone thoroughly into birth, the title felt slightly misleading past episode 2.

All in all, Call the Midwife was beautifully filmed, well made, excellent cast and acting, and a joy to watch - however, I wanted more births, more focus on pregnancy and birth and more insight into Midwifery in 1950's London, England. But what birth nerd doesn't want more birth, MORE BIRTH! Watch it if you are able to find it, it really is a great programme.

The key points that I took:

• Timing (when to begin this journey, when to start apprenticing, when do start a practice etc)
• Boundries
• Family obligation 
• Wait.

I spent the hour and a half cleaning the house and active listening, listening to these experienced Midwives say, wait until your babies are grown, focus on your husband, wait for the right timing, don't continue to choose Midwifery over your family.

Their experiences are valid, and I loved hearing them talk.

When I first starting conjuring my path of Midwifery, I did say "when our babies have grown", but life throws something else at you. I could be waiting forever until our babies are grown. It would be more painful for me to (seemingly) endlessly wait for our children, then to follow my heart now and see where it takes me. I don't have the luxury of having children to wait until they are grown.

We can always take time off. We can always learn better boundry skills, it doesn't have to be all or nothing, all the time. The Midwifery path stamp isn't one for all. Balance will always need to be found in life - regardless of profession, path, and parenting.

Does this mean that I don't want to be the primary raising our children one day? No, of course not. I'd love to. I've spent years helping to raise other peoples children, I'd love to raise my babies. But I'd also love to follow my dreams and work as a Midwife too. And I think it's more than alright to say I'd like to be a mother and a Midwife. It's okay to call on our community of family (chosen or not) to help us raise our children.

I don't think I need to spend these years right here devoting to my husband and marriage, to wait because I am only twenty-something, to wait because we haven't brought children into the world.

I think the underlying tone to me is that women cannot (should not?)(easily?) manage a carrer and a family, and we should avoid it. Focus on XYZ while your family is XYZ - because it was hard for me. Many parents raise families with two working parents - those children are missing our on their parents too - but does that mean it is wrong? Or there is the "norm" of the stay-at-home mother and the working father, who is working 40,50, 60 hours a week - they are missing him too. Is that wrong? Less wrong than a mother working 60 hours a week?

Hearing over and over the slight side-swacking of "young" student Midwife - over eager, young, maybe not in a steady relationship, no babies yet etc and just wait. Call back in twenty years to discuss an apprenticeship.
Is that what Midwifery is? You should be older, have children, you should raise them for you are the mother, and only mothers do a good enough job.The call was a small sample, the message was the same, and the same from a survery back in 1986 - regretted not waiting until their children were raised-up.

So, what do you think?
Can women work outside the home and raise small children?
Is one less desireable than another?
What about the importance of the partner (male or female) not missing out on their childhoods (if applicable)?
Can women be mothers and Midwives?
At what cost?
Is it okay to say it's worth the price you'll have to pay to follow your dreams AND be a mother?
Is that wrong?

We made a simple and relatively easy move over the confederation bridge to Saint John, NB my birth place. We've slipped comfortable into our home and both are crushing on this amazing, old, rough, beautiful, alive and nostalgic city. We are for once, surrounded by my families history, fast friends, and family strength. We feel good.

For some, a view from their window of tugboats, rough coast line, industry and a pulp mill would be not at all pleasant - but to us, we see such beauty. And our deer friend who sits on our cliff behind the house must agree - as he sun's himself.

We wander the streets in the North End, stunning old houses built on rock, nearing falling over, paint chipped, people living simple lives, and we smile.

holding up a measuring stick,
in a world of judgement and learning until you're sick,
you lose it, on the inside for the crap that you endure,
for sharing your journey and your heart that is pure.

so allow me to unfold against myself,
in courage and fear,
for I'm holding my hands out for more knowledge my dear, 
to watch you unfold in my hands and you beam,
with birth pride and womanhood, 
and raw strength and surrender,
to the powers and voices that hold you,
and hold us in limbo of creation in this world,
of wisdom and knowledge so deep in your bones, 

that pages on books and counting hours don't hold,
so let me, and watch me, entangle myself,
to pile it away, and watch you cut me free,
as I sit back and watch your birth just be.  

I've had my Etsy shop running for a little while, and thought I'd do a sale.

The regular price for my DIY manual is $50, but it's on sale for only $30 for a limited time.

Everything you need to know about how to prepare your placenta at home, including prints, essences, tinctures and of course, encapsulations. Simple how-to-instructions, with a phone consultation if you need it.

Happy Babymoon!

My personal bag:
Most of what I pack these days is for self-care.

• A change of clothing and shoes for the hospital. 
• My camera, cell phone, chargers. 
• A note pad with a pen for recording birth notes that the family may like to have, and notes for myself. 
• Generally, I bring a book related to birth, for something to read if it's a long birth & as a quick flip to guide if I want to call on another opinion, The Labour Progress Handbook is a good small book to bring. I usually bring what I am currently reading. 
• My knitting. Same as above, minus calling on another opinion. 
• Tooth brush, tooth paste, good hand soap, deodorant (I use baking soda), hair ties, some vegetable oil for dry skin and massage for mama in a pop-top container great, or use a more solid oil like coconut/shea butter, lip balm, essential oils like lavender if you need a moment of calm, rescue remedy, typical medications or vitamins, emergen-C packages, pouch of change for vending machines or coffee, plus basics like wallet/keys.
• A water bottle (I bring it empty, and fill with water on arrival). 
• Coffee in a travel mug usually leaves with me, and I bring some tea bags to brew another beverage if/when needed. 
• FOOD! This is my biggest item in my birth bag. I bring a number of snacks, like nuts, seeds, dried fruits, granola bars, tetra packs of nut milks, fresh fruits & vegetables (bananas, apples, carrots, celery, etc), plus some bread for toast and a solid meal. I like to make a freezer meal, and when I'm leaving the house put it in my bag frozen next to any items that should be chilled. I bring a lot of food because I don't have the option of eating cafeteria food, the vending machines are often broken and filled with junk, and clients homes don't always have things I can eat as a vegan. I bring enough for a couples days of nourishment. 

My Doula items bag: 

• A comb for acupressure points. 
• A small ball for squishing. 
• An item that could be used as a focal point and/or to hold in the hands (small smooth stone works great). 
• Vegetable oil for massage, no scent. In a pop-top for liquid oils or a container for more solid oils like coconut or shea butter. 
• Essential oils in a sealed bag, with cotton balls. I only use essential oils on a cotton ball I can flush if the smell becomes bothersome. Same idea as the sealed bag. 
• Cornstarch for dry-massage and also useful for greasy Doula hair as a dry-shampoo. 
• Flameless battery operated candles in a small votive. Great for in the hospital. My luxury item. 
• My Robozo, which gets used for many different purposes. 
• A manual massager. I don't like battery operated ones because most clients have rejected them loudly in labour. 
• A rice sock and/or magic bag. 
• Pool noodle cut for a massager. 

My top most used items are my hands, and a warm/cold washcloth, both of which aren't in my bag. As a Doula you don't need lots of items or things, just strong hands, strong arms, a warm heart and the ability to keep yourself energized to serve her. Most labours I don't take anything but food and my camera out of my bag. As a new Doula I thought I couldn't go to a birth if I didn't buy an expensive Doula bag, or make one myself. There seems to be lots of pressure to have the most bountiful birthing bag. I take just the basics now, it's still 2 bags, but better than what I used to bring! 

And really, as a Doula you don't want your junk filling up their birthing space at home or in the hospital, specially the hospital! Such mental clutter, I opt for small amounts of items, stored away in my backpack.

My Robozo, currently serving as a wall hanging.

I hope this insight into my Doula bag helps prepare you for your upcoming births, specially as a new Doula. 

Experienced Doulas, what is in YOUR bag?